Bananas

Since Cyclone Larry hit Queensland bananas have been making the news. The price of the phallic yellow fruit skyrocketed due to a significantly reduced crop. Many news programs reported the price of oil, gold, fuel and bananas on a daily basis! Bananas were even blamed for increasing inflation and interest rates. I must admit, I was very sceptical that the price of bananas should have any effect at all. There are plenty of other fruits to choose from, just eat something else. It's not as if it is absolutely necessary to eat bananas! Just have a rest for a while, eat a paw paw! Pretend bananas don't exist for 12 months. Personally I didn't eat one banana during the banana drama of 2006. I was immune from any price increase, except for the effect other people still buying them at high prices caused. So I have a story to help everyone and the economy if a banana* price crisis ever occurs again. When I was five I loved bananas. I always wanted to eat bananas. I nagged my parents for more and more bananas. My family went on a family holiday to Queensland and due to my love of bananas my mother bought a whole bunch of bananas. I was in banana heaven! I ate banana after banana! I kept asking for another banana and my mother kept giving me another. 15 bananas later I started to slow down. Soon enough it was banana vomit time! I didn't eat another banana for 15 years. Even now, I couldn't eat a whole banana on its own. With enough ice cream or honey it can be done but not without. So... my advice for you all is to act today while bananas are cheap and buy a couple of kilos. Sit down and eat bananas until you vomit. Then when the price of bananas skyrockets you will be unaffected.

*could also apply to any other food

On a side note, this is the 100th post of the Random Ramble! I have reached the ton!

Spittle

I think everyone has experienced that awkward feeling when someone you are talking with lets fly with a tiny drop of spittle, that hits you in the face. I must admit if I am the victim in this situation I usually try to pretend it hasn't happened. This takes incredible will power to resist the urge to wipe the germs from your face for fear of letting the other person know they got you. But do they know anyway? Is it the elephant sitting in the corner of the room that no-one is game to mention?
However when I am the spitter, I usually like to get on the front foot and ask the victim if I got them. This way they can say no, regardless and the elephant is gone!

Today I was the victim, amd damn-it if it wasn't the biggest spittle that I have ever seen! Thats right it was so big I saw it coming! And to make matters worse it hit me in the corner of my mouth, right on my lips! I resisted the urge to immediately wipe it away with my hand, and then I had to remember not to stick my tongue out to get rid of it as I would if it was my own saliva. I felt the huge spittle slowly working its way into my mouth! I had to size up the offender quickly. Did they look... diseased? Could I afford to wait until they left before I wiped it away? Fortunately for me, they left quickly. My lips are sore from all the wiping.
Now, like an amputee with phantom pains, I can still feel the spittle even though it has gone. I am infected, will I ever be the same?

Buckley

Last night I had to buy some dinner at an extremely over priced cafe, where the term cafe can only be applied very loosely. I had to buy it there as there were no other choices and I was too hungry to wait another few hours. There were various sandwiches and salads on offer, but it was dinner which means something hot and something with meat must be consumed. So really the choices were hot chips and a pie, or mexican nachos with chilli con carne. I opted for the nachos and wasn't totally disappointed despite the large price tag.
Anyway, half way through my meal I uncovered that a lone hot chip had made it to my plate. I was confused. How should I feel about this event? Should I be annoyed that a hot chip had interrupted the flow of corn chips? Had I missed out on possible corn chips that could not fit on the plate because of the hot chip? How much room does the rectangular prism of a chip take up compared to the layering of corn chips? Could a hot chip perform the function of a corn chip when scooping up chilli con carne?
Or should I be happy that I had received a hot chip in addition to the corn chips? Could I wipe my plate with the hot chip in a way that the corn chip couldn't? Maybe I had gotten away with sampling a hot chip despite the fact that I hadn't ordered any! Should I be celebrating my good luck!?
Was the hot chip superior to the corn chip or had I been dudded? I'm still not sure.

The Hardest Sudoku Ever!

Well apparently the hardest sudoku ever has been created by Finnish mathmetician Arto Inkala. Maybe if I solve this I will have reached the top of the mountain and be free from my sudoku addiction!

AI Escargot

+-------+-------+-------+
| 1 . . | . . 7 | . 9 . |
| . 3 . | . 2 . | . . 8 |
| . . 9 | 6 . . | 5 . . |
+-------+-------+-------+
| . . 5 | 3 . . | 9 . . |
| . 1 . | . 8 . | . . 2 |
| 6 . . | . . 4 | . . . |
+-------+-------+-------+
| 3 . . | . . . | . 1 . |
| . 4 . | . . . | . . 7 |
| . . 7 | . . . | 3 . . |
+-------+-------+-------+

I love bloopers, I love Letterman, I love YouTube. Enjoy all three combined!

How come I only ever notice my toe nails when they need cutting? I can 'feel' when they are too long and it's not because they are pushing into my shoes. Weird.

As I have mentioned before there comes a time when you never change your haircut ever again. I fear I may have reached that time. So it's time to do something about it! I am searching the Internet for inspiration.

Option 1: An agressive mullet.
I've never had a mullet so why not? By the way, have you ever seen an angrier mullet on a guy with such girly shoulders?

Quote of the Day

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." Margaret Mead

Of all the things in the world that can suck the life out of a human being,
of all the things that can shrivel your soul,
of all the things that can make you want to hang yourself with your own shoe-laces,

is there anything more effective than being made to sit through a crappy Power Point presentation?

In the hands of some these things are pure evil.

I'm sure terrorist groups are investigating the torturing capabilities of PowerPoint.

Have you experienced 'death by PowerPoint'? Please comment.

The AFL and the Sydney Swans acknowledge that Swans supporters don't know the rules. They have created a website 'Barry Hall's Hall' to help supporters learn about aussie rules. I actually like the site, however I'm not sure it will be a success as it does assume Swans supporters are smart enough to use a computer. ;)

http://www.barryhallhall.com.au

Button, Clip, Button, Belt, Zip

Today at work I went to the bathroom at about 11:30am. I attempted to lower my zipper but alas, it was already down. In my job I work with many people, and I began to do a mental count of how many people had potentially seen my budgie smugglers. About 70 I reckon, but luckily I was wearing a long-ish jumper which would have hidden my forgetfulness.

Anyway I blame my low flying zipper on my trousers! I wear business style trousers to work and they are too much effort to put on. Firstly there is a button that does up on the inside, then you have to do up the clip above the fly, then you have to do up another button on the outside of the pants, then I fasten my belt buckle and then only after doing ALL that is it time to do up the fly. Well for me it's just a little too much work to keep my pants up!!!! After I complete 4 tasks in doing up my pants I think subconsciously I believe there must not be anything else left to do!! So the fly just goes undone. Yes this has happened more than once.

Button, Clip, Button, Belt, Zip!!! Should it really be that much work to put on pants???

By the way, if my belt is keeping my pants up, and the loops on my pants keep the belt up, what exactly is keeping my pants up!!! Something is defying gravity down there! It's just not my zipper.

AFL Conspiracy
Question
What do you see in the picture above?
(A) Barry Hall a former boxer executing a well timed right duke to the ribs
(B) Mark Macguire attempting to injure Barry Hall by thrusting his ribs into Hall's hand
(C) Nothing at all

If you answered A, well done. You are in the vast majority.

If you answered B, you probably support the Swans. You probably also think that any time a swans player makes a tackle it is automatically "holding the ball", any time a swans player gets tackled it is in the back, and you spend most of the game yelling "Kick it to Goodsey!" interspersed with "Kick it to Barry!".

If you answered C, congratulations! You are qualified to sit on the AFL tribunal!

Actually, I can't believe the AFL tribunal is that bad. They did actually find Hall guilty in the first place. I believe that for the appeal they were instructed to let Barry Hall off to help Sydney Swans win the premiership. After all, they knew like everyone else did that the Swans could not have won without him.

Well the Swans play the Saints again on Saturday night. What will MacGuire say to Barry? It has been revealed this week that the Swans and Hall were "disappointed" that the Saints and Macguire didn't do more to help Hall escape the charges!! What the???!!! This annoys me more than anything? If Barry Hall wants to play dirty why should everyone else have to accommodate him?

We love sport in Australia, we really do. We watch and play just about every type of sport. In winter we have Rugby Union, Rugby League and Australian Rules. Any of these can be referred to as Football or Footy. Usually Rugby Union is referred to as Rugby, but that still leaves Rugby League and Aussie Rules as being Football. What annoys the tripe out of me is the current push for SOCCER to be called Football. I don't give a stuff what the rest of the world calls it! But we just can't call it Football here in Australia ok, so get over it! Maybe if you have a heavy European accent and you make a lot of spaghetti sauce I would forgive you for calling it Foota-ball, but that is the only exception. It's soccer people, it always has been.

It isn't anything new to say that Yao Ming (Chinese basketballer who plays in the NBA) is a big mofo. He is 7'5 and 136kg. However it has recently been revealed that Yao Ming was specifically bred to play basketball. Both of his parents played for China’s National Basketball Teams. His father Yao Zhi Yuan stands 6'7 and his mother Fang Feng Di stands 6'3. At first glance, you may think this was a romantic basketball love match, formed while slam dunking each other. But alas, the Chinese goverment over zealous for sporting glory on the world stage to show their communist might "strongly encouraged" Yao Mings parents to bang one out for the nation and create a basketball wonder kid. So Yao Ming was born. From the age of nine Yao Ming was trained to play hoops. He hated it, but eventually came around. He was always going to be an international star.

It got me thinking, surely there are plenty of Aussie sports stars who should be given the green light to get under the covers and produce a little aussie legend. Perhaps Dawn Fraser and Ian Thorpe should have a little water baby? I know neither of them likes the opposite sex, but Dawn kinda looks like a man anyway.

Some other possibilties:
Richie Benaud + Liesel Jones
Peter Sterling + Liz Ellis
Cathy Freeman + Dennis Lillee

Who would be your ultimate Aussie sporting match-up?

'Berko' rooster pierces girl's throat
Sydney Morning Herald
March 28, 2006

A four-year-old girl has been airlifted to hospital after a savage rooster attack left her with a collapsed lung.

"She had been pecked quite savagely on the face, the neck and it appears it did pierce her windpipe," said NRMA CareFlight helicopter spokesman, Ian Badham.

Grace Angel, who lives on a farm near Mudgee, was airlifted to Orange Base Hospital last night before being flown on to Westmead Children's Hospital in Sydney.

Her uncle, Ben Angel, told smh.com.au that Grace and her two sisters were "feeding the chooks" when the rooster went "berko".

"It's gone off its tits. I don't know what it was doing. You hear of cranky roosters but I've never heard of one actually attacking anyone like that," Mr Angel said.

"It's just a dumb bloody white rooster. I didn't think roosters were that violent actually."

He said Grace's father would have wasted little time in destroying the rooster.

"I don't think the rooster's alive. Knowing my brother, he would've smashed it."


"berko" and "off its tits" in the one article!! Thats Gold!
I love Oztraya!

Please Tell Us When you Intend To Die

The seventh case of the decomposed body of an elderly person found at home is just "the tip of the iceberg", a Sydney academic, Keith Watmough says. Watmough appealed to the public especially the elderly to "inform neighbours of your plans for the following weeks so they know what that smell is when they haven't seen you around."
He continued, "If you feel likely to die, do the right thing and inform a neighbour or relative who can feed your pets, collect your mail and call the cops."
Watmough identified many elderly as selfish and asked them to "please consider the poor saps who have to peel your decomposing body of the Smokey Dawson recliner."

'Back to the Future' is one of my favourite movies ever. But have you ever wondered why Marty, a 17 year old kid, likes to hang around an old guy like Doc Brown?

Well the good people at ChocolateCakeCity.Com think they know with their movie, 'BrokeBack to the Future'.

Holy Teraflop Batman!!

The version of the IBM-built Blue Gene machine at the Juelich Research Centre in Germany has managed processing speeds of 46 teraflops, equivalent to 46 trillion operations a second.

Wow, I want a super-pooter like this one to play Lemmings on!

I now have a new phobia.

The Korea Consumer Protection Board has conducted a survey which has found that shopping cart handles are number one on a list of bacteria-infested items! Typically, they contain an average of 1100 colony forming units (CFU) of bacteria per 10 sq cm.

And now brought to you by Captain Obvious: A board spokeswoman said that the best way to stop the spread of infectious diseases by hand contact was to wash your hands with soap.

Quoting statistics, the spokeswoman said that while more than 77 per cent of people were aware of the importance of washing hands, only 47.9 per cent actually bothered to wash them.

I have always attempted to avoid touching public bathroom doors with my hands by kicking them open or using an elbow but now I have a new list of public items not to touch!

Among the list I already have is public bathroom taps! It is ok if they have the 'leaver' style tap where you can use the back of your hand to turn it on and off but if it is the more traditional tap where you have to turn it on and off then forget about it, I'm not touching it! Consider this, when someone has used the toilet, they then have dirty hands. They then touch the tap with dirty hands, contaminating the tap. Then after the washing their hands they then touch the dirty tap again to turn it off and hence are still contaminated.

So when I am in a public bathroom and they only have that style of tap I dont wash! Thats right you heard me. Before you get upset with me, let me explain. I wash. I wash regularly! I wash carefuly. I especially wash my naughty bits carefuly! Therefore I am willing to bet that my naughty bits are extremely clean. Therefore after I take a leak, (assuming I have been able to not urinate all over my hands, which yes, I am able to avoid that) my hands are still extremely clean as they have only touched my old fella which is also extremely clean! Therefore, I do not choose to touch a tap which is infested to wash my already extremely clean hands.

I should point out, before you call the cops and notify the government, I only do this is manky disgusting public toilets (are public toilets of any other kind?). At home, at friends, at work, I still wash my hands. So relax.

The Dirty Half Dozen:
1. Shopping cart handles - 1100 CFU per 10 sq cm
2. Internet café computer mouse - 690
3. Bus hand straps - 380
4. Public toilet handles and door knobs - 340.
5. Lift buttons at 130
6. Train hand straps - 86

Eddie McGuire gets top job
Eddie McGuire will be announced as the new chief executive officer of the Nine Network on the 6pm news today.

This can only be good for Australia. The random ramble has been given a hot tip on Channel Nines new line up of shows.

5:30pm The Price is Right: Collingwood memorabilia
6:00pm National Nine News hosted by Mick Malthouse
6:30pm A Magpie Affair: Current news of the Mighty Collingwood FC
7:00pm The King of Queens Collingwood
7:30pm Getaway: Great games where Collingwood wins against the odds
8:30pm Black and White TV
10:30 Late Night News with Lou Richards
11:00 Up Late With Bucks

I can't wait!!

Check out the cartoons of Muhammad that are getting people all upset.

Should principles of freedom of speech mean that it is ok to print these? Or should journalists have been more sensitive to the offence they have caused? Make a comment...

Well, the Commonwealth Games are almost here. But on the bright side, they're almost over.