Before work today I decided to stop by my local supermarket to purchase some tasty beverages and snacks. I entered the supermarket and walked down aisle 5 to choose a bottle a soft drink. I am a big fan of Pepsi max, so there wasn’t really much of a choice to be made other than between the 1.25L bottle and the 2L bottle. As the 1.25L bottle was on special I took one from the shelf before realising that the 2L bottle had a $250,000 promotion going on. While I stood there contemplating my chances of the winning $250K (which would have been a good 15 seconds as I had begun deciding what to spend it on) I noticed a 1.25 L bottle begin to topple from the edge of the shelf. Now at this stage I have to stress that it was at least 15 seconds after I removed a bottle AND it was not the bottle next to the one I took.

I must also point out that the bottle fell from the second lowest shelf which is less than a metre off the ground. The bottle rotated as it fell so that the lid was pointing towards the shelf it had fallen from. Upon reaching the ground the cap shot off like a rat down a drain pipe heading off in the direction of aisle 4 and the bottle torpedoed along the ground in the direction of aisle 6 leaving a trail on Pepsi max behind it.

So there I am standing in the middle of aisle 5 about a metre away from a river of pepsi max dividing the aisle with no bottle or lid in sight wondering how this happened to me. I can only assume the bottle decided to commit suicide, or a mini earthquake must have occurred or someone bumped the shelf from the other side as the bottle fell so long after I had taken my bottle. Whatever happened lets just agree it wasn’t my fault.

I looked down the aisle towards the registers to see a middle aged women with a mullet rolling her eyes at me with a look that said “You %$#@&*”. I contemplated telling her the bottle clearly jumped but decided against it, besides she was serving other people and they hadn’t noticed and I wasn’t about to draw it to their attention. She continued to glance at me like I’m an idiot. I was about to inform her that at least I’m not a middle aged, mullet headed, check-out chick, when I remembered that middle aged, mullet headed women usually have middle aged, mullet wearing, red neck boyfriends who own shotguns.

I walked around to aisle 6 to try and retrieve the bottle only to find that the river of pepsi max continued across that aisle as well. I walked across to aisle 7 and looked down it; the trail had stopped but still no sight of the bottle. Maybe the bottle had already emptied itself across aisle 6-7? Quite possible by the amount of pepsi max on the floor.
At this stage I decided that no happy ending was possible for anyone and informed one of the other staff that an accident had occurred. Our conversation went like this.

Me: Excuse me, there has been a bit of a spill in aisle 5
Her: Aisle 5, ok thanks.
Me: *nodding* Yes… well… and aisle 6
Her: Ok… aisle 6 as well (she is looking worried now)
Me: well it’s hard to tell, there could quite possibly be some spillage either side of that.
Her: (She’s just looking at me blankly now)
Me: Might be a good idea to check under the shelves as well.

I quickly went to a cash register (not the one with angry mullet lady) and paid for my things and left.

Addiction

I have an addiction. I'm not proud of it, but I just can't stop. It first started when I was quite young. A family member introduced me to it and I have never been able to shake it since. The smell, the taste, the feeling it gives me, it has become a part of me. At times I have wanted to get away from it all but without success. Besides there is always that voice from within that encourages me, tells me to never stop. All it takes is one look and I can't turn away. Sometimes I have even given in to my desires at work. So far I have been able to keep it a secret but who knows when I will be discovered. There is always the fear of being found out, the constant looking over my shoulder wondering who is becoming suspicious. The shame if my colleagues, family and friends found out would be too much to withstand. My blog is the only place that I can openly say.... that... I collect stamps.

I saw another amusing fan sign from a member of the crowd from the 3rd Test between India and Australia at Nagpur. This one read...

"If you can read this I am on TV"

Paris, Lleyton, Kim and Delta's Scud Marks



Australian Tennis is in a spin and it's a lot more entertaining than an episode of Neighbours! We all knew it was a bad idea when Delta got together with Mark Philippoussis, we all knew it was an even worse idea for Delta to release a song written about her "relationship" with the Pou. But the questions remains... How come she couldn't see it?

Didn't Delta know The Pou has shagged more supermodels than most people have had hot lunches?

Didn't Delta know that The Pou has gotten through life simply on his natural talent and looks and rarely put any concerted effort into anything?

Lets face it, Delta and The Pou were always doomed. The Pou's lack of class is now even more apparent now that he is sharing his scud marks with world famous skank Paris Hilton.

Lleyton Hewitt is also single again after his fiancee Kim Clijsters dumped him. I do feel sorry for Lleyton, but it has to be said... should people who look so similar really be together?

The only thing left to happen is for Lleyton and Delta to get together! You heard it here first.

I have been immensely enjoying the Foxtel cricket coverage of the India Vs Australia Test Series from India. (I love Foxtel!)
The Indian crowds are fanatical, they chant, scream and yell all day long with no let up. Good on them, I can only commend those who love cricket! However, during my hours of watching the cricket I have noticed that Indian fans create the absolute worst home made supporter signs I have ever seen.

In Australia, we are accustomed to seeing sheets attached to the front of a stand with something painted on it like...
"AUSTRALIA IS TAYLOR MADE TO DECLARE WAUGH!"
Ok, not the wittiest of calls, but at least it makes sense!

Watching the coverage from India I have seen the most ridiculous supporter signs. I have reproduced one here that really made me laugh. It was a sign about Indian fast bowler Irfan Pathan (pictured below) and keep in mind that it was clearly a man holding this sign up. My commentary is in Italics.

P acey (Ok not bad, he is a fast bowler)
A ccurate (fair enough)
T asty (hang on, that's kind of creepy)
H ero (whatever)
A ttractive (I hope you mean his bowling)
N aughty (you weirdo)

Mr Darcy is women's favourite fictional romantic icon. According to a recent poll by the Orange Prize for Fiction, 1900 women across the generations voted for Mr Darcy as the man they would most like to go on a date with.

We all know women rarely know what they want and Mr Darcy is proof of the fact.


Women are always going on about how they want a man who is sensitive, caring and in touch with his feelings, yet these same women are swooning over a fictional character who is the embodiment of the dominant male. Have these women actually watched Pride and Prejudice? Darcy is an absolute wanker!

The sad thing is, they have watched Pride and Prejudice. I guess it makes sense if you are a women.

Language is a funny thing. Words and sayings come and go.
Here is a list of the words of the year from 1904 to 2004, as quoted by Susie Dent in her new book Larpers and Shroomers: The Language Report.


1904 hip

1905 whizzo

1906 teddy bear

1907 egghead

1908 realpolitik

1909 tiddly-om-pom-pom

1910 sacred cow

1911 gene

1912 blues

1913 celeb

1914 cheerio

1915 civvy street

1916 U-boat

1917 tailspin

1918 ceasefire

1919 ad-lib

1920 demob

1921 pop

1922 wizard

1923 hem-line

1924 lumpenproletariat

1925 avant garde

1926 kitsch

1927 sudden death

1928 Big Apple

1929 sex

1930 drive-in

1931 Mickey Mouse

1932 bagel

1933 dumb down

1934 pesticide

1935 racism

1936 spliff

1937 dunk

1938 cheeseburger

1939 Blitzkrieg

1940 Molotov cocktail

1941 snafu

1942 buzz

1943 pissed off

1944 DNA

1945 mobile phone

1946 megabucks

1947 Wonderbra

1948 cool

1949 Big Brother

1950 brainwashing

1951 fast food

1952 Generation X

1953 hippy

1954 non-U

1955 boogie

1956 sexy

1957 psychedelic

1958 beatnik

1959 cruise missile

1960 cyborg

1961 awesome

1962 bossa nova

1963 peacenik

1964 byte

1965 miniskirt

1966 acid

1967 love-in

1968 It-girl

1969 microchip

1970 hypermarket

1971 green

1972 Watergate

1973 F-word

1974 punk

1975 detox

1976 Trekkie

1977 naff all

1978 trainers

1979 karaoke

1980 power dressing

1981 toyboy

1982 hip-hop

1983 beatbox

1984 double-click

1985 OK yah

1986 mobile

1987 virtual reality

1988 gangsta

1989 latte

1990 applet

1991 hot-desking

1992 URL

1993 having it large

1994 Botox

1995 kitten heels

1996 ghetto fabulous

1997 dot-commer

1998 text message

1999 google

2000 bling bling

2001 9/11

2002 axis of evil

2003 sex up

2004 chav

Elite Designers unite against IKEA
http://elitedesigners.org/

As voted by you* the top 5 women celebrities who look like they were born a man.

5. Jessica Simpson (Take a closer look)
4. KD Lang (scary)
3. Anastacia (lots of makeup and coloured glasses can hide a lot)
2. Liza Minelli (it is mostly the voice)
1. Michael Jackson (only in America can a poor young black man grow up to be a rich white women)

---

*me

There are some really good blogs out there.
This one is written by a guy in a US federal prison who has someone on the outside who posts his comments.
http://prisonpete.blogspot.com/

We don't really have a senior year book in Australia in the same way as the yanks do. Now I know why.

George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could
be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

Australian guide in court over German tourist's crocodile death

SYDNEY - An Australian tour guide Monday admitted there were crocodiles in a Kakadu National Park creek where he took a 23-year-old German tourist swimming two years ago.

Isabel von Jordon was killed by a 4.6-metre crocodile during the midnight swim led by Glenn Robless in October 2002.

To me this story defies logic!

This is how the trial should have played out:

Lawyer: My client’s daughter Isabel von Jordan, was taken by a crocodile while she was swimming in a water hole.

Judge: And where was this water hole located?

Lawyer: Ummmm… Kakadu National Park

Judge: Did you say Kakadu National Park?

Lawyer: Yes

Judge: Well its hardly surprising she got eaten by a great big crocodile is it!!!


I don’t care if she was a German tourist. Would you go swimming in any water hole in the whole of the Northern Territory let alone Kakadu National Park? Anyone who tried to get me in that water hole would be more unpopular than a red headed step-son!

Problem Solved

Here is my solution to drugs in sport. Obtain a blood sample from every athlete who competes in the Olympic. Then tell them that although the technology doesn’t currently exist to test for every drug, one day it will. When that day comes we will test your blood. Any medal you win now with the help of drugs could be taken away 10, 20 or 30 years down the track. You will never be able to be confident that you have gotten away with cheating.
Problem Solved.
Next.

Gripe of the week

Every man and his dog seems to have a mobile phone these days. Everyone from the 10 year old kid to the 75 year old Grannie are making use of this new technology. But no-one teaches them mobile phone etiquette. I think society has now turned on anyone who uses their phone during a meeting, in a cinema or in an art gallery but there still seems to be a number of grey areas as to what is appropriate. My current annoyance are people who use their mobile phone and wave in the crowd at sporting events to find their friend who is somewhere in the same arena. Listening to some guy yell into his mobile phone…
“I’m below the Tooheys sign… No not that one, the one to the left….. yeah now look three rows down…. No down…. No, not that far….Yeah I’m wearing a wallabies jumper….. No! The other side of the ground!!!”
Whoever you are, you aren’t that important. If you were you wouldn’t do it.
If you are one of these people please consider the following:

You obviously already know they are in the same stadium, who cares if you can see them or not. Is it really that amazing that you are both in the same place?
There are people all around you also waving, so telling your friend to look for the guy waving isn’t going to help.
The people behind you actually came to see the game, not the back of your arse while you wave like an idiot.
Once you find them, what are you going to do? No, I’m serious… really, I want you to think about it!

底下可並不大呀我想應薄了吧 今天早上在太陽是今天太陽2個多小該是我老了皮變居然就曬傷勞動了時了~~

Paper, Scissors, Rock with Saddam

http://www.bigmixup.com/rockpapersaddam/pager/index.shtml

You know he isn't going to play fair!

You wouldn't want to get seriously ill or injured in Queensland, with a government survey finding that more than 50,000 adults don't know the emergency telephone number. That's right, a staggering 50,000 people would be better off running for help than picking up the phone to call police or ambulance.

Amazingly, more than half did not even know there was an emergency phone number. (It's triple 000 for those of you who were wondering.) About that many people again actually knew help was just a phone call away, but had absorbed too much foreign television and could recall only numbers such as 911 or 999.

In an effort to reassure those having a little trouble, the Queensland Emergency Services Minister, Chris Cummins, described dialling triple 000 as "a very simple procedure" and noted that children as young as two had managed to get it right. But I don't suppose those children were Queenslanders.

What is going on with the gene pool in Queensland? Perhaps the exodus from Victoria to Queensland is finally having an effect?

Trucker Hats

You can't walk down the street without seeing some wannabe in a trucker hat. Three years ago no one would be caught dead in one of these mesh hats. When I first started to see people actually wearing these hats, I was a little bit shocked. After all, I had a mesh hat in 1987.

But they are now pretty main stream and "cool" to wear. But there are some rules you should follow if you decided to be a sheep and plunge into coolness.

Number one - not everyone can wear a trucker hat and pull it off. You have to put one on, look at yourself in the mirror and figure out if you can pull it off. Chances are, you can not. Not many people can do it. If you can't pull it off, you're just annoying to look at.

Number two - cocking your trucker hat off to the side is another no no if you can't make it. You are probably embarrassing yourself, your friends and your family.

Number three - It's really not original anymore. Maybe a year or so ago, it was cool, but now everyone has one or two or three, and they are about as tryhard as you can get.

Apparently Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are going to have a baby. This raises an important social question. Should the mentally retarded be allowed to reproduce? In some ways western society seems very controlling. You need a license to have a dog, own a gun, drive a car but if you want to create a human being, stuff up their lives, scar them physically and emotionally so they will become a burden to society, then go ahead! No-one is going to stop you; in fact the government will probably give you money to help the process! Even if you are a strung out prostitute junkie with more debt than a small African nation you can still reproduce without any legal restrictions. If your life is a complete mess, why not wreck your offspring’s as well, maybe you will feel better.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

"It's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been
going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."


The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
What year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own
self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
The bartender walks over, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to
be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Are Blogs Destroying The Fabric of Society?

Recently I spoke with a gentleman who despaired at the ever increasing destruction of society. He pointed the finger squarely at blogs.

“Once upon a time, if you wanted to read a deranged political statement or a tasteless piece of humour, you had to visit the local public toilet” he exclaimed.


“But now everyone man and his dog feels free to write their garbage on a weblog for the whole world to see! What is more, now when I ‘drop the kids off at the pool’ in my local park public toilets there isn’t a crude or inappropriate drawing or witty anecdote or even ‘for a good time call…’ to amuse me! It is a complete disgrace!”
Many years ago I met a man who had been converted to Communism as a way of life during his time at the University of Sydney. Each day when he came to uni he would head straight for the toilet cubical where he knew there would be some thought provoking political toilet statement. This man who was studying a Bachelor of Commerce was so profoundly changed by this mystery communist toilet wall scribbler that he could no longer continue with his western materialistic views. He decided to have a sex change and start a degree in women’s studies.


What do you think? Are blogs to blame for the decrease in intelligent toilet graffiti? Is there such a thing as intelligent toilet graffiti? Have you been challenged about your ideological views by a well crafted toilet wall essay? I look forward to your comments.




A Sample for your viewing pleasure:



Japanese Toilet Wall Grafitti (Not for the faint hearted)

http://www.asahi-net.or.jp/~AD8Y-HYS/rakugaki_e.htm

April Fools!

Yes my little tantrum from yesterday was an April Fools joke. The random ramble of my mind will continue!

Goodbye

This will be my last blog. I'm sick of this thing and the petty demands of readers. I'm sick of the useless comments that people leave. I'm sick of spending my precious time on this intellectual wasteland. Therfore this will be my last ever post. Goodbye.

Fish Sticks Can Kill

A Texas woman heating fish sticks was shot in the leg by a gun that had been stashed in her oven, police said.

Roxanne Perez, 29, was taken to a local hospital where she was in good condition, they said.

They said Ms Perez's friend had hidden the .357 calibre pistol in the stove two weeks earlier after being told that guns were not allowed in the house.

When Ms Perez heated up the fish sticks she also heated up the gun, which caused several rounds to be fired. One hit her in the leg.

Police said no charges would be filed.

I turn 27 this year, it must be time to have a QLC.

More about QLC.

Random Thought Of The Day

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't put your friend on the side of the couch.

Just for the record the side I would pick for the first test against Sri Lanka (assuming Lee is injured) would be:

Hayden
Langer
Ponting
Lehmann
Katich
Symonds
Gilchrist
Warne
Gillespie
Kasprovich
McGill
12th: Williams

However, my tip is the Australian selectors will keep Martyn rather than Katich or Symonds and Williams will play rather than Kasprovich.

Phobia is from the Greek for fear or hatred. A phobia is an excessive, unreasonable or irrational fear of an object, place or situation. Phobias are extremely common, and anyone, no matter how well adjusted they are, can fall prey to them. Sometimes they start in childhood for no apparent reason; sometimes they emerge after a traumatic event; and sometimes they are completely ridiculous!

I have some friends who have an irrational fear of uncooked meat. (You know who you are!) They won’t eat any meat unless it resembles roadkill that has been set on fire and then left on the highway of the entire summer. The best words to describe their disorders are Carnophobia (The fear of meat) and Omophagiaphobia (The Fear of eating raw flesh).

When researching their disorder I came across some other phobias that are just too weird not to talk about.

Paraskavedekatriaphobia – The Fear of Friday the 13th. This one is just too long to bother remembering!

Phronemophobia – The Fear of thinking. Doesn’t being scared of something require thinking about it!?

Xanthophobia - Fear of the colour yellow or of the word yellow. Are you serious?

Clinophobia - Fear of going to bed. I have this one, or rather a fear of sleeping.

Coulrophobia – The Fear of clowns. I have this one as well.

Aibohphobia – The Fear of palindromes. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama! Do you find this scary?

Defecaloesiophobia – The Fear of painful bowel movements. Do some people enjoy them?

Kyphophobia - Fear of stooping. What the?

Lunaediesophobia – The Fear of Mondays. Yep,me to.

Medectophobia - Fear of the contour of one's penis being visible through clothing. This one was too funny to leave out.

Pet Food

Sitting in a Hong Kong Restaurant with my family we found out not all waiters speak English. In fact in this fine establishment no-one spoke any English. So to order our meal we pointed to dishes people were eating on tables around us. All the food looked good, so what is the worst that could happen? We started to enjoy a chicken satay type dish when I came across a chicken bone that I have never actually seen on a chicken before that night or since. It was a bone that defied classification of any animal I had eaten previously. As we were suggesting animals it could be, a guy dressed in the restaurants waiters uniform opened the front door and led in a dog on a leash. He walked straight through the place which was packed with people, and led the dog straight into the kitchen. We could have tried to deny the truth, and believe that they were just bringing their pet to work, but I think I would rather have a dead dog in the kitchen rather then a live one frolicking around my food. I have often wondered if that dog was someone’s pet or maybe just a dog that the waiter found on his way to work.
A friend of mine, whose family is Vietnamese, went over to his Uncle’s house for dinner. After eating half the meal his Uncle told him it was dog, but not just any dog, it was their pet dog! A dog my friend had played with on previous visits and had taken for walks. My friend was in shock. Apparently Rufus was rather tasty.

I love Portuguese Tarts! (The food kind that is)

You know that guy from Star Trek who played Wes? You know the kid who played Gordie Lachance from Stand by Me? Well he has his own blog!. And he just landed a 3 book deal with a publishing company on the basis of his blogging! I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he is a well known celebrity! If any editors out there are wondering I am willing to consider any offers that come my way.

Song lyrics can be difficult to understand, and we all know someone who is really bad, or is that really good, at making up their own versions which they then completely believe are the actual lyrics. And even more then that they will try to convince you that their version is correct.

Here are some misunderstood lyrics I have heard from others.

When John Travolta sang, “I have thrills they’re multiplying” he wasn’t singing, “I have shoes they’re made of ply-wood”

Australia’s national anthem starts with the line “Australian’s all let us rejoice”, NOT “Australian Sunset Ostriches”

And when the great man Neil Diamond sang “Sweet Caroline” he definitely didn’t have G’n’R’s “Sweet Child of Mine” in mind.

A friend of mine recently admitted to believing Kate Cebrano’s sultry 1980s hit “Bedroom Eyes” was actually “Petrol Eyes”.

Well, I’m sure all of you out there who read this tripe have your own misunderstood lyrics, so leave a comment telling us about it.